What didn’t make the highlight reel

As you may have figured out by now, writing is my therapy. If there is an issue I am struggling with – the first thing I think to do is write about it. Similarly, when a great idea strikes, “I’m thinking where is my journal?” In fact, I have several journals that I’ve started over the years because when inspiration hits, I have to get it down immediately – but I also have somewhat of a short attention span, so each journal probably only has about 5 entries before it got trapped in a bookshelf never to be visited again.  So when I started this blog I decided to keep an electronic journal – basically a word document in which I free-write and shape my thoughts. It isn’t as pretty and there is something missing by not being able to put pen to paper, but I like that I can go back and re-read everything from time to time. Doing so really takes me back through the memories and emotions of every single post, and lets me re-live those moments that I hold so dear.

Today, inspiration struck! Over the past week or so, a particular scripture had been running through my mind so I decided that today was going to be the day that I write it out and see what I come up with. As I opened my up “Journal” document and started to scroll towards the bottom to find an open space to write, all of the titles of my prior entries began to jump out to me and made me scroll a little slower… so much so that I just started reading entry after entry until I got to the end. And with each passing entry, my mind changed about what to right about next. “Oooo, I should write a follow up to this one,” I thought, “No, what I need to do is explain how my views changed on this one,” next. But then I started to get to some entries that I hadn’t posted. Some that I didn’t even finish because they were too hard…

The last post I made public was for my birthday, over eight months ago, and the one before that showed a 3-month gap – effectively confirming that it has been almost a year since I was publishing blog posts on a regular basis. Clearly, the writing never stopped, but the publishing did. And it goes to one of the points that I dislike about social media: people only really share their highlight reels.  When I turned 30 I struggled with measuring my life against others’ and one of the tips that I shared in my post “Tips for 30” was that we’ve got to stop comparing our lives to what others choose to post about theirs because it isn’t the whole truth. In carrying that thought further, I find myself wondering that “since we all go through struggles from time to time, what is the purpose of hiding that truth about ourselves?” We post literally everything we do and think on a daily basis – except the tough parts.

In my case, it’s no coincidence that the dates when my blog posts stopped coincide with the fact that I was going through a breakup. I mean, who wants to write about that, right? Her Lenox Stoop is supposed to make me feel empowered and unstoppable not depressed, heartbroken and scared. I was trying to move past it, not dwell in it. Plus, why would I want everyone in my business?! Though, for some reason, I wasn’t so concerned about people being in my business when it was something good happening for me… Despite the fact that people go through breakups all the time, and my perspective on the matter might resonate with most, I just couldn’t bring myself to air this dirty laundry to the world.

So what’s the point?

If you’ve read any of my other posts, this is right about where I would drop some gem of knowledge or insight or food for thought. But not today. Today, I encourage everyone to do some self-reflection – and I mean everyone, especially those who think they are hiding it well. Sit in a quiet place, close your eyes, quiet your thoughts and take some deep breaths. In your nose and out of your mouth. Let your mind wander to the deepest corners of your consciousness, where you are holding something you just don’t want to talk about, think about or deal with. Go there. Sit in it for a couple of minutes. Cry if you have to. Do whatever you feel moved to do to let it out. And when you are ready, open your eyes. But don’t wipe any tears away that may have fallen. Instead, go to a mirror. Look at yourself. Truly see yourself in your reflection. Feel proud that you let yourself be vulnerable, that you loosened the fists you were clinching, even if only a little bit. Stand a little taller, hold your head a little higher. And wink at yourself. Whatever it is that you’re going through hasn’t broken you. You’re stronger than you think you are. You have the power to change your situation. You have everything you need, already inside of you.

However, if you don’t think you can go it alone, I am also an advocate of therapy, I encourage you to find someone you can talk to. Mental health should be taken just as seriously as physical health and spiritual health. We all need a little help sometimes, and there is no shame in asking for it – in fact I believe that is a sign of true strength.

Advertisements

Cheers to Thirty Years!

My sister and I are the babies of our family, but in just ten days we will be turning the big 3-0. And all I have been able to think about lately is the day one of my older brothers turned thirty – I recall my naïve barely-twenty-something-self asking him, “How does it feel to be three… DECADES… old” (yes, with all that dramatic effect), and him just looking at me and saying “sheesh, thanks sis.”

To me, turning thirty just seemed so old and so far away… but that was eight years ago, and now time is knocking on my door. About a month or two ago it started really setting in that I was turning thirty. I was overcome by a confusion of mixed feelings ranging from excitement, to fear, to curiosity, to disappointment – a reaction I had never experienced with any of my previous birthdays. I didn’t know what it meant or which feeling was the right one.  I always sailed through previous birthdays with no problems. So what’s the deal with 30 and why does it feel so different?

After a lot of thought and reflection on this, I’ve come to the conclusion that the 30th birthday is big because it is the first birthday that solidifies you as being “grown.” You’re normally done with college and even some higher education by that time, have started your career, and may be married or buying a house or checking some other very grown-up item off your life-goal list. But I think it’s also a time where you reflect on the things that are still left to do from that list and wonder if you are on track for the grand life plan you’ve always had for yourself.

You start to feel proud of all the things you’ve done so far, but also freak out thinking about all the things you still have not done. I’m starting to smile and cry all over again just thinking about it! So what is one to do to tackle the two-headed monster that forms inside of you as your 30th birthday approaches??

I didn’t have the answers… So I took it upon myself to ask some very wise friends and family members what advice they would give their 30-year-old selves. “If you were talking to the 30-year-old you,” I asked, “what would you tell her?” And I got some really great answers! There was also quite a bit of overlap – which, in my opinion, just reinforces the advice – and one person in particular, my linesister (and my new self-imposed life coach), dropped all kind of gems on me!! So I happily share these #TipsFor30 with any of you who may be struggling with the same feelings and concerns.

In no particular order, they told me the following:

1. “Don’t spend all of today waiting for tomorrow, enjoy right now!”

 

One of my best friends, Jahmese, reminded me that there are so many exciting things to look forward to in life, but it should not be at the cost of overlooking the amazing blessings of right now. Similarly, my linesister Marcuetta (see the reference to my life coach above), said to stay in the present moment and don’t say things like I will be happy when xyz happens.  No, be happy with what you have now. Wake up every morning and be thankful for the life you already live.

2. “The prescription for life that has been handed to us by society isn’t a one size fits all.”

 

Marcuetta also shared that many of the decisions that she’s made in her life often weren’t of her own accord, but rather because she felt the pressures of societal expectations to meet certain standards by a certain age or for other superficial reasons. She would tell her 30-year-old self to do things not because other people expect it of you, but do it because it is what you want.

3. “Give yourself the room and freedom to make mistakes, learn, and live.”

 

That came from the homie Katherina! And another friend echoed that sentiment by reminding me that we can’t be afraid of the reset or hardship; it builds character, teaches you about your own strength and prepares you for the greater that is to come. Marcuetta spoke to my spirit on this one too (oh y’all thought I was playing when I said she drops those gems on ya!). She said that while we are given a lot more permission to make mistakes when we’re young, we should always remain open to making mistakes because that is how you learn.  And you know what they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

4. “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

 

Another wise linesister of mine, Jasmine, introduced me to this saying. She so eloquently said, “especially in the world of social media, it is incredibly easy to constantly compare yourself to what someone else carefully selects to share with you. Sometimes we’re so focused on what someone else has (that in many cases, we don’t even want right now) that we can’t appreciate the joy, blessings and accomplishments that are happening in our own lives.” This one really hit home for me, because it’s so true! And, yup, you guessed it, my girl Marcuetta made me jump out of my seat on this one too!  She said we shouldn’t compare our “every day lives” to other people’s “highlight reels” on social media. The only person you need to compare yourself to is who you were yesterday. (Preach!)

5. “Celebrate Yourself”

 

You need to celebrate every single thing along the way.  Every single accomplishment.  Every single achievement.  And don’t do it just to stunt on the ‘gram, truly celebrate yourself.  (Y’all already know who told me that — Marcuetta!)

6. “You’re only 30, relax… you’re NOT OLD.”

 

My sister in law, Dani, said it plain and simply. Despite what I thought when my brother turned thirty, she reminded me that “You still have the rest of your life ahead of you!” Some even say that 30 is when life truly begins.

7. “Everyone is going through life a little bit afraid, even the grown ups.”  

 

My dear friend, Diana, confessed that her initial reaction to so many things is fear, or a sense that she can’t do something or she’s not ready for something. But she reminded me that being a little bit afraid doesn’t mean you can’t or you shouldn’t. Her advice is that it’s ok to keep going, even if you’re a little bit afraid. Another friend told me that being afraid or nervous about something does not mean that you’re immature or incapable, it just means that whatever is making your nervous actually means something to you and is something that you value. So pull up your big girl pants and go for it!

8. “Don’t ignore health issues that run in your family.”

 

My mother reminded me that we all need to focus on our family’s historical health issues to see what we can do to prevent ourselves from going down the same path. Diseases that inflicted our parents and grand parents at old ages are starting to creep up at younger and younger ages. And besides that, most of them are wholly preventable. We just have the discipline to do our research and make informed decisions in our diets and lifestyles today – and stick to them.

9. “What someone thinks of me is none of my business.”

 

My friend Katherina also cracked open this fortune cookie for me. She said that once we stop caring about other people’s opinions, or at least what we think they think about us, we allow ourselves to accept who we are and to truly love ourselves. And I just think this is so important because all our lives (or at least mine) we’ve been trying to please those around us – and it’s such a liberating feeling to not care what others think.

Then, to round it out, I came up with the tenth “tip” on my own…

10. “Stop playing scared.”

 

Over the next year I’m sure I’ll have to periodically remind myself, “you’re 30 now – you know yourself and what you’re capable of.” Don’t stay in situations that aren’t working for you. Say what’s on your mind. And do all the things you’ve wanted to but instead always managed to find an excuse not to. Go out there and have the confidence that the last 30 years has earned you!

I hope these tips help you as much as they helped me! I am so grateful to all of the family and friends who contributed to this and who always take the time to build me up and support me.

Now let’s raise a glass, and say: Cheers to Thirty Years!

Relationship Insomnia

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do? The answer to that question obviously changes as we go through this thing called life and deal with the various upsets, trials and tribulations it brings.  As we mature and grow, things become easier or harder for us to do.  But, if I had to answer the question right now, my answer would have to be: break someone’s heart.

When it comes to relationships, I’ve always been the type to put my best foot forward – give it the real boy scout try – so that if I get to a point where I feel like I’ve given it everything I’ve got but it still isn’t working out, I’m able to break ties and move on with clear eyes.

But there’s something different this time. I think that perhaps this time is the first time I’ve truly loved the person back.  That it’s the first time I could see that he was giving it the good ‘ol boy scout try just as much as I was – more even. The first time I’ve had to remind myself that I’ve given it everything I have because I keep coming up with reasons to stay.  And the first time I’ve had to convince myself that it’s time…

My sister hates watching movies with me because I always figure out the ending half way through, ruining it for her. And something similar happens for me in relationships – I can see very early on if it’s something that’s worth the time or not. And if I’m being truly honest with myself, I knew before this relationship began that it wasn’t going to work.  So why did I even indulge? Why did I even put the both of us in a situation I thought was likely to fail? Because I was hoping that I was wrong.

There was a glimmer of a chance that things would turn out differently than what the tealeaves had suggested, and I wanted so badly to believe it. Here was someone who was fun and interesting and dragged me out of the house at a time when I needed it most. Here was someone who valued family and relationships in the same way I do. And here was someone who truly believed I could do anything I put my mind to, and loved me with everything he had. So I thought, “maybe.” Maybe I just need to give our seed the opportunity; place it in the ground and see if it would grow.

But the elements just never seemed to work in our favor for some reason. It felt like the sun would come out for a few minutes, only for a set of clouds to breeze in and camp out. The rains came just frequently enough to keep the dirt from getting hard – no more and no less than the minimum water needed to keep us alive. And it seemed like the bees loved all the flowers except ours. Still, two years later, I faithfully go to the window every morning to check on our flowerpot – hoping to find new growth but, instead, seeing a little less life than the day before.

So when I woke up this morning in tears, something inside me knew that no matter how hard we try, the result (for me) would be the same. I then asked myself what any person in my position would wonder: do I sacrifice something that is fine for the potential that there may (or may not) be something that is great? What if I end up never finding what I think is out there; wishing I had left well enough alone? Is “good enough” worth it?

The answer:  “Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them.” (Dream for an Insomniac)

Seeing that quote reminded me why this nagging feeling was never going to go away.  I’ve seen marriages where the couple is still passionately in love 30 years later and I’ve seen marriages where the flame has dwindled but they’ve stayed together anyway.

In full disclosure, generally the couples I grew up around and were most influential in my life were the latter.  And while I know that each of those couples love each other, they have set the example for what I don’t want my future marriage to be like. Each created a comfortable, safe life for themselves, and it works for them. But that’s not what I want for myself. I want to automatically smile when I see my husband walk in a room. I want to go on dates until we’re old and gray. I want him to still hold the small of my back when we’re 50. I want passion! And while I know that no relationship is perfect and you’ll have to fight for it every single day, I have to follow my gut when it tells me that this one just isn’t it. I’m content, but I’m not truly happy.

And, more than that, it’s unfair to string someone along in a relationship I no longer believe in. Because while he may be convinced that this is what he wants or needs, that cannot overpower my own feelings. It’s definitely going to be difficult and knowing him he won’t go down without a fight, but I pray that one day he sees that while I have to do this to be true to myself, I also have to do it to be true to him. And that I refuse to selfishly keep him from the woman out there – whoever she may be – that he truly deserves.

This is one of those hard conversations that I think is so important for us twenty- and thirty-somethings to have. I’ve said it before; social media has a way of making you think everyone’s life is great but yours. Yet, that’s rarely the truth.

Because we often only post and share the greatest moments of our lives, we convey to the world a false euphoria, a mirage of the Promised Land. But the point of Her Lenox Stoop is to face the tough questions head on. To challenge societal norms and start a dialogue about the real issues we go through every day. I lay my vulnerabilities on the table not only to get them off my own chest, but so that others just might feel comfortable enough to do the same.

My truths set me free, especially the hard ones. And they say the biggest regrets in life are often the risks we didn’t take.  So today I face my hardest decision, with both sadness in my heart as well as a hopefulness for the future.

Faith… especially when it scares me.

On this day in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr., one quote that kept jumping out to me as I scrolled through my Instagram timeline was: “faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the entire staircase”. Please understand, though, it’s not that these particular words were the most posted quote of the day, it’s just that it’s the one that stood out to me.  And as I laid my head down to finally go to sleep, I couldn’t get it out of my head…

The concept felt as though it had been an overarching theme in my life for the past few months.  Most recently, I had a very honest conversation with my cousin about what I’m starting to believe is my life’s dream and why I have taken zero steps towards accomplishing it.  Trained as a transactional lawyer, my most marketable skill-set is to contemplate every possible scenario – good or bad – from a potential decision, and to plan an appropriate safety net for if the unthinkable happens. I help my clients protect their interests before entering into any venture by preparing them for the worst, and as helpful as that is for them, it has become a serious hurdle in my own ambition. For every great idea I come up with, and every possibility my heartbeat skips for, there are twice as many red flags that go up. In the legal world it’s referred to as “the parade of terribles,” as we think of one worst case scenario after another. So in my personal life, by the time I’m done brainstorming, I’ve actually talked myself out of pursuing whatever it is that I was contemplating.

For a while I thought that it was a “millennial” thing. I’ve been heard in numerous conversations trying to lump all twenty-somethings and thirty-somethings into my own sphere of indecisiveness. My boyfriend is working on an artistic piece centered around black millennials in relationships, and I can be heard in my interview saying that we are a generation of too many options. There, I concluded that since there’s no rule book for us anymore, so many of us find ourselves trapped at crossroads between what was the norm of prior generations and what is the unchartered course of this generation. However, when I re-listened to my interview tonight a light-bulb went off as I heard my voice explaining the theory. It isn’t all millennials, it’s me.

I don’t know at what point in my life I became so scared to make a decision. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the embodiment of that children’s book Amazing Grace by Mary Hoffman. I remember that Grace wanted to play Peter Pan in her school’s play, but one of the other students told her she couldn’t because she was black and a girl – I don’t remember all of the details but the takeaway from that book that always stuck with me was Grace’s nana saying “you can do anything you set your mind to.” And for as far back as my memory serves, I have done just that. In grade school I wanted to play basketball but there was only a boys’ team, so I was one of the founders of my school’s first middle school basketball team for girls. When it came time to pick a college, certain people in my life – very important ones – told me that passing on a scholarship to a nationally ranked, predominantly white university in order to go to a historically black college (regardless of its preeminence in that sphere) would be a mistake; but, I trusted that the way I felt when I walked on Spelman’s campus was indicative of a life-changing experience that I wouldn’t ever get otherwise, and I was right. And when I decided to apply to Columbia Law School knowing that the likelihood of getting in was slim, not one bone in my body hesitated.

So why, as my 30th birthday inches closer and closer, has the overarching theme in my life as of late been to avoid any form of risk-taking? If nothing else, the last 20 years should be proof enough that “I can do anything I set my mind to.” Yet somehow every time a hard decision comes up about my career, my relationships, my dreams and desires, I let the parade of terribles reign over my mind to such an extent that I literally become paralyzed – afraid to move forward or backwards, just stuck wherever I am. Thinking about that made me recall the sermon I had listened to earlier this morning.

Yes, I was bedside-Baptist today and watched a sermon that my pastor in New York gave last week instead of going to a church here in Atlanta. So I re-watched it and, you guessed it, I got my answer.  Pastor Mike asked us: “can you let go of the life you planned for the life that’s waiting for you?” He said that when you “lean in to new beginnings it’s not about whether you can chart the course or craft the script, it’s whether you can lean into a space where the only thing you’re sure of is that this space is inhabited by God.” He went on to say:

“I know there’s a part of you who cannot handle that because you need to know, you have to understand. You wish that God had a way of telling you the story before it began… But here’s the good thing, what God gives you to get you started has nothing to do with the journey or the destination, it has to do with you trusting in God’s presence…to begin your new journey!” [See the full sermon here]

And I can’t deny it, Pastor is right. I’m paralyzed because the ideas in my head and the dreams that fill my heart, are not the life I planned for myself. It’s easy to take risks when you have the world at your fingertips, but when you start to get settled into a comfortable lifestyle and start feeling the benefits of years of hard work and sweat, it’s hard to think about sacrificing it all for a plan that may not work. I did everything I said I would do, got to where I wanted to get to, and now I’m supposed to just give it all up? What if it doesn’t work? What if I lose everything I’ve worked for and can’t get it back? For some, the question might be what if I lose him? What if I end up alone? But what I realized today is the part I was forgetting to remember is that I know who I am. That no matter what comes my way, I have a strong will, a strong support system, and a strong faith in God and in myself.

They say we are born fearless and only develop apprehension over time as we experience the world. As we mature from children to adults, life’s lessons help develop our consciousness but can also cripple us if we let them. So I choose today to not only trust in God and the desires that God placed within me, but to remember to trust in myself. To trust that I can do all things I set my mind to… especially if they scare me.

How much trust do you have in God?

This past Sunday, I was proud of myself for getting up and out bright and early to try a new church. As many of you know I moved to Atlanta a few months ago, but what you probably don’t know is that I have yet to find a space that is as fulfilling as my home church, First Corinthian Baptist Church in Harlem, NYC. So, with a new recommendation in-hand, I was excited to try out this potential church – even if it was a 45 minute drive. As I told my friend the night before (in my best southern accent): “I’ll travel for a good Word, now.” However, to make a long story short, I did not have the name of the church completely right, and I ended up being what seemed like the only American-born African-American in the room. Part of the service was even in another language! I was very uncomfortable and wanted to run out immediately after I realized the situation. But it was too late – the way the rows were set up, I’d have to make the entire row of 30 or so people get up to let me out. So I took a deep breath, and thought to myself: you’re here now, might as well give it a chance. And I kid you not, the very next song that the choir sang was one of my favorites (I’m Chasing After You) so I was up out of my seat dancing and praising just like I would back at FCBC.

Then, when the guest preacher came up, one of the first things out of his mouth was “I believe each and every one of you is here for a reason.” And when I tell you that hit my soul like a baseball bat, chile! I was no longer focused on finding the exit, and instead was focused on hearing the Word – and I was not disappointed. I failed to write down the scripture, but the message was basically if you’ve given it to God, then let God have it. There’s no point in stressing about it, dwelling in it, or talking it to death. God said, “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). And that Word was on [pause for dramatic effect] time! I had been stressing like crazy the past few days because I knew that the coming Friday would be the day that I found out whether or not I passed the Georgia bar exam. Normally I don’t stress about things like that because I try to go into them well prepared, but that was not the case this time. While studying for the test, I had been working full time while also trying to explore and enjoy life in a new city, balance the demands of being in a long-distance relationship and fit in opportunities for much-desired time with my nieces and nephews. So when I sat for the test and the very first question stumped me, I knew it would be a long road to the finish line. I kept my head up and finished as best I could, but “as best I could” was different than “my best” – so I’ve been quietly panicking inside ever since. I prayed before and after the test, but was beating myself up because to some extent the blame was on me for not making studying the priority it needed to be – and if I didn’t pass I knew I wouldn’t be able to blame anyone but myself. Still, I prayed. And prayed. And prayed some more. Because I was still stressing about it.

Then the last nail was placed in the coffin…The preacher said that what confused him the most was that we are so willing to put our trust in other people yet not willing to have any trust in God. He said “think about it, every time you step foot on an airplane you are literally and physically putting your life in the hands of another person – and it’s normally a person you don’t know and haven’t even seen.” With that, I was on my feet. Anyone who knows me knows that whenever I take a flight, I’m sleep before the flight attendants even give the safety instructions and I don’t wake up until I feel the wheels hit the ground. So how is it that I am so willing to load onto a man-made machine, walk past a closed-door cockpit without questioning who is behind the controls, settle into my seat and fall asleep (i.e., the ultimate sign of trust and relaxation) without questioning for a second that I will get safely to my destination, yet stress about what God has in store for my life? The same God who promised never to harm me but to see me prosper.

My head was spinning! I was wracking my brain trying to figure out how to find the peace that God desired of me. Then, like clockwork, the preacher reminded us that God is always with us. He told us that often times when we feel like God has abandoned us, God isn’t the one who pulled away – it was us. And that made perfect sense given my personal situation. Ever since I moved to Atlanta, I haven’t been going to church, I haven’t been going to bible study, I haven’t been praying and communicating with God like I used to. I am the one who pulled away. And then I wonder why I don’t feel his protection? I haven’t been holding up my end of the bargain! To find the peace I was looking for (and that God wants for me), I needed a way to rebuild my relationship with God. I needed to commune with God again. I needed to ask God to guide my feet and learn to trust again in where the Spirit leads me. I needed to board God’s flight.

During the church announcements it was mentioned that the church was planning to fast during the coming week and to meet periodically for communal prayer. So I decided I would also fast that week, and try to figure out a way to replace food with spiritual nourishment. I hoped to rejuvenate my relationship with God, find the peace my spirit desired and perhaps learn a little bit about the path God wants me to be on. So on my 45-minute drive back into the city, I called my health-conscious, vegan sister and we figured out a game plan for my 5-day fast. I was nervous but excited at the same time!

She wasn’t quite convinced that I could do it, though. She knows that I have no self-control when it comes to food – I want what I want when I want it. She said, “plus you literally get hangry. Imagine if you can’t eat for 5 days. You have coworkers and a new puppy to think about! They are going to meet a side of you they may not want to meet.” And she wasn’t wrong. This was absolutely going to be one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but I reminded her that fasting is about sacrifice. If I want God to move in my life, I have to be willing to sacrifice something to get there. So she wished me luck and I pulled into Target for supplies… excited to board my flight with God.

I’m Good on Engagement Rings…

I want to revisit a topic covered in one of my original HLS posts, “Glitter vs Gold.” A little over a year ago, I met my now-boyfriend and wrote Glitter as an outlet to think through the issue that was confronting me at the time: standards set by me (with some help from our friend, society) that were grounded in wants rather than needs. Fast forward to present day, the same issue continues to transform and plague us as we move through the different stages of our relationship.

And, as a side note, I think it’s so very important to talk about the struggles in life as well as the good things because social media has a way of creating perceptions of false euphoria… Our natural tendency is to post and share only the good things that happen in our lives, and as a result people don’t always see or understand the not-so-good things that we go through. To the world, our lives our perfect! A woman who posts cute pictures of her newborn might never signal to her followers that she is actually struggling for the first time with not living in the same city as her larger family; similarly, a man who posts amazing group brotherhood photos at his best friend’s wedding may not tell you that he’s sleeping on that same friend’s couch while he tries to figure out his job situation; and a couple that shares pictures of their new house may show no signs of the stress they are under to continue to make ends meet. So I never want people to read Glitter or see bae and I holding hands on IG and think, “they have it figured out,” because we definitely don’t. But what I want you to know is, that’s Ok!! We don’t need to have it all figured out, we just have to be willing to be honest and put in the work… Anyway, I’ll step off my soap box and get back to the regularly scheduled program.

I realized today that I don’t want an engagement ring. Not that I don’t want to get engaged, just that I don’t want the diamond. As many of you may know, the coveted “diamond engagement ring” is a concept that was actually created from a marketing campaign run by the DeBeers diamond company in the 1930’s and 1940’s. The strategic plan included not only traditional advertisements (where they coined the slogan “a diamond is forever”), but also a meticulously planned campaign to show diamond rings in romance films, highlight diamond purchases by celebrities in local newspapers, and even send lecturers to speak to high school students across the country! The entire effort was designed to make women believe that no courtship was adequate unless a diamond was involved and to indoctrinate men with the belief that romance requires a diamond ring, the bigger the better. And guess what? They succeeded. Before this campaign, diamonds were seen more as gems for aristocrats and the uber-wealthy, but this effort brought the diamond market to the living rooms of main street America — where 80 years later the impression remains.

And while this was a genius move for their bottom line, the effect has been not so great on the pockets of the everyday person. There’s even a rule of thumb that suggests a man should spend an entire month’s salary on a diamond ring – Oh, OK.

Understanding that personal debt is one of the top causes of stress for us millennials, I think that we are the perfect generation to start challenging this supposed “life requirement”. Why bend over backwards to reach outside our means for a material object that can be lost or stolen, will make rich people richer at our expense, and that may not even increase in value over time?? Personally, I would much rather my potential fiancé take that $3,000-$5,000 (which is just the average cost!) and surprise me with plane tickets to an awesome adventure that will give us memories for a lifetime. I’d even take a deposit slip for our “saving for a house fund”! Anything that is thoughtful, from a heartfelt place, and designed to enhance our connection with each other or our position in life would suffice in my opinion. In fact, unless he’s wealthy and sees it as “that little ‘ol thang”, proposing to me with an extravagant ring would actually have the opposite effect and make me question his judgment. Especially since what we often fail to realize is that once you get married, his debts are essentially yours and vice versa – so there’s no better way to start a marriage than by making better financial choices for ourselves.

Don’t get me wrong, until this point I have never questioned my own expectation of getting a diamond ring one day – and in full disclosure, it’s only coming up now because I understand the financial limitations of my significant other. But after thinking long and hard about it, I came to the conclusion that the point of the engagement ring is to symbolize commitment. It represents an unconditional love that yields the desire to spend an entire lifetime with another person. And if that’s really and truly what the purpose is, then there is no right or wrong way to make that commitment to someone.  Simply put, as much as I would love to have a nice shiny rock on my finger, forcing someone (either explicitly or implicitly) to reach beyond their means to prove to me their willingness to make that commitment just does not sit well with me. So I have made the decision – for myself and where I am in life – to not require an engagement ring. In my opinion, that is unnecessary glitz that I would happily sacrifice for the right person…

Keep in mind, though, that this post is not intended to shade those women out there who do have or want an engagement ring (whether extravagant or not). As always, I just simply encourage you to think critically about why you want whatever it is and what you think you’re getting out of it. And I can only hope that if it’s simply the glitter, that you aren’t sacrificing the gold.

Coincidence? Nah.

I am a firm believer of divine intervention. I believe that a divine being walks with me always, and has the power to shape events and circumstances around me. Over the last few years in particular I’ve noticed things just happening (or not happening) for me when it could have just as easily gone the other way. Some might call it luck, some might say coincidence. But as philosopher, Théophile Gautier, once said, “Chance is perhaps the pseudonym of God when He does not want to sign.”

As you know, I live in New York City – the city that seems to consist of 1 million married people and 7 million singles – and a few years ago, after trying every dating app ever created, I gave up on the whole idea of finding love in this City. I relegated myself to accepting that I’ll probably be single forever. But then fast forward to this past February, when a very good friend of mine decided on a whim to celebrate her birthday by hosting a small get together at her apartment. Let me set the stage for you: I, the workaholic home-body, received a text message in the early afternoon of a Wednesday telling me to come out that night for some Hennessy and chicken (yes, she’s ratchet and I love her for it)… So as you can probably guess, my initial reaction was that there’s no way I’ll get off work in time, and then I thought that even if I did– Hennessey? On a Wednesday night? I would absolutely regret that decision in the morning. But then, by some quirk of fate (as the saying goes), I looked at the clock around 4pm and realized I had nothing else to work on. I killed another hour or so waiting to see if any work would come in, but it ended up being quiet for the rest of the day. Even to the point that I was concerned that I actually wouldn’t even have anything to work on the next day, either! So I had no excuse not to go anymore – I left work, went home to get cute, and headed to the party.

Long-story-short, the next weekend I was on a date with a young fellow who was also in attendance at her party. He had great energy, held my interest, could make me laugh and just made me feel like me! Our connection was effortless. But, the crazy part is that he didn’t really meet any of my other requirements for men. If you’re curious what I’m talking about, take a quick look at my prior post, “Glitter vs Gold”). So, honestly, as much as I enjoyed being around him, I struggled with taking this thing – whatever it was becoming – seriously. If he isn’t who I would have normally gone for, and isn’t who other people would expect for me, why am I even wasting my time? We could kick it, but I refused to believe it would turn into anything worth talking about. I brushed it off to friends and even to him, so much so that everyone around me was literally confused by how misaligned my actions and my words were when it came to him.

Then a few months later I went on a pretty amazing vacation to Greece with my sister, my cousin and the same girl who had celebrated her birthday that night, and while sitting at a local Athenian restaurant eating some pretty amazing calamari and drinking a lot of free wine, they broke me. They saw right through the front of “oh we’re just friends” and the denial that I wanted anything more. By being forced to look them in the eye, a mirror was held up to my face for the first time. And to make matters worse, it happened to be only the first day of a two week vacation so there was nowhere to hide… Ultimately, they made me realize that for some unexplainable reason, I really like being around him and the way he makes me feel, and that I don’t need to justify him (or us) to anyone – including myself. So the day after I got back from Greece, I got a boyfriend.

But just because the label changes doesn’t mean that the concerns immediately go away. I still find myself periodically looking at things he does or says or situations he and I find ourselves in and thinking to myself, “this is why it will never work.” And today happened to be one of those days.  We took a quick road trip Upstate to go apple-picking. He had done a few things the night before (that I was still harping on) and then he dropped another tidbit of information on me that morning, so I was all in my feelings as we made the drive.  Plus, I had been fighting a migraine all morning, probably from stressing over the idea that just as we were starting to go public it was already falling apart. But then God…

We had been riding in silence for a little while as I tried to Zen out and let the aspirin kick in.  The only sound in the car was the music. He had no idea of the things that had been running through my mind all morning, but knew I had a headache so he, too, was quiet and just vibing to the music as he drove. My eyes were closed as I tried to will my headache to go away, so when the song came on I was forced to really listen to the words.

“Come mess with a real one;

You’re one in a million;

Don’t let a lot of people in, but you get admission;

And I don’t let my walls down, but I see us building;

And you ain’t a feeling,”

I had to open my eyes and see what song it was! The screen on the radio just said “H.E.R. Vol. 1” and showed the title of the song as “Facts.” I asked him who the singer was and he said, “no one knows! The artist just dropped a project under the name H.E.R. and no one knows who it is.” He showed me the album cover and it was simply a silhouette of woman – no picture of her face. So I closed my eyes back, and kept listening (you can listen to it on SoundCloud by clicking here):

Just the beginning;

It don’t get no better;

As long as you hold me down, I’ll be up for whatever;

And I love the way you look at me, ‘cause I see forever;

Was ready before but I want you now more than ever;

You make me want to put my phone down;

When we’re alone, I want to zone out;

Baby, with you, I ain’t got no doubts;

I’m just trying to let you know now;

Facts;

You were the one I was missing;

The opposite of fiction;

And that’s facts;

Ooh, it’s a given;

I don’t care ’bout opinions;

And that’s facts; Facts;

And that’s facts; You were the one I was missing…”

Now, some of you might say it’s coincidence. Some might even say he intentionally put that song on (which he didn’t; he was just playing the album). But regardless of why it was played, that was exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment. It was immediately my reminder that none of that other stuff matters. A reminder that we’re building something here, even if I don’t know what exactly that is yet. And I don’t know about you, but I believe that only God could have orchestrated giving me what I needed exactly at the moment I needed it.  The very next day at church my Pastor spoke about being available for God’s grace and how so many of us are unable to see the possibilities and opportunities in our lives because we are fixated on the challenge in front of us. Staying in your comfort zone will not get you to your greatness.

So although I am still bothered by the things I’m bothered by (which I ultimately did speak to him about), the difference now is that I am not drastically equating it with being the end-all-be-all of our relationship. My faith in God, and the fact that He walks with me always, brought me back to what’s important—it put me back on the path I believe I’m supposed to be on.

And this was just one example. I could probably write a book with how often this happens to me! Whether it’s clearing my schedule so I can be at the right place at the right time, trapping me in a foreign country so I can work through my issues undistracted, or even as simple as playing a song that says just the right words, I know that there’s something bigger than me at play. And evidence that God will intercede on my behalf is all the reassurance I need to go after the things I want in life.

Did I do it for the ‘Gram?

A few months ago, a poet made me wonder if I would “still want to travel to that country if [I] could not take [my] camera with [me]” (see “Simple Words; Hard Truths”). And I feel so relieved because currently I am sitting on a patio in the neighborhood of Imerovigli on the island of Santorini, Greece (which is serving as my Lenox Stoop for the time-being) and the last thing on my mind is where my camera is. Instead, I’m enjoying the warmth of the sun in my face and the freedom to write whatever comes to mind.

For about 10 days now, a group of girlfriends and I have been island-hopping throughout Greece and it has been an amazing experience of fellowship, exploration, fun and relaxation. We have laughed, I have cried, and we’ve met so many people, tried new foods and seen the sights, that it has truly been one of the best experiences of my life.

If you follow me on Instagram, then you might be thinking: “But you are taking a lot of pictures and posting them to social media; is that not the point Waheed was making?” And, honestly, at the time I wrote “Simple Words; Hard Truths” that’s what I thought, too. But I’ve realized that simply posting pictures does not mean that you are appropriating a culture – it means that you are instantly sharing your experiences with others in a way that was not possible 10-15 years ago. The number of likes you get is simply evidence that other people appreciate and support what you’re doing, seeing and experiencing, and that they are happy that you shared it with them.  You may even be sparking something in them to go visit these places (or any place at all) when they might not otherwise have thought to do so.

Add to that the point that Greece in particular is currently dealing with an economic crisis and they are largely dependent on the revenue from tourism to help them climb out of debt. So the fact that I’m spending my Euros to have a great time here when I could have gone anywhere is not taken for granted by the locals.  They are so appreciative of the business and they hope I’ll spread the word and tell everyone I know to come visit their country.

Still, the point Waheed was making is not lost on me, and I can truthfully say that learning more about the people and local cultures in Greece has been a sincere desire of mine and everyone else on this trip with me. Everything from understanding how the volcanic acid in the soil causes the wine to have a unique taste to trying local foods like Fava and hearing how to say Greek words properly, are all things that we were intentional about learning (and if you’re wondering, “gyro” is actually pronounced “hero”, but not like a New Yorker talking about Superman; rather the “h” is breathy and has more of a Spanish “qui” sound like “key-ro” – which probably still sounds really confusing so you should just go ahead and make plans to visit Greece yourself and hear it first hand!).

And not only did I learn a lot while on this trip, but I think we also left an impact as well. Four Black girls from the States are hard to miss around here, and we’ve been chatting with locals and tourists alike, having fun and bringing up the energy around us on a regular basis. We also spoke our mind when we didn’t agree with how we were being treated.  So I have to believe that those who encountered us have also been affected by our visit, and I hope that we’ve left an overall positive impact on them as well.

Another reason why I love to travel is because of the distance it puts between me and my everyday life. When I’m in a different environment, a different country and a different time zone I’m forced to truly check-out of all the things that were stressing me out or clouding my thoughts back home. It lets me hit the reset button and I become open to new inspiration and ideas without even realizing. So many of us get caught up in work and family life that we make excuses for why we can’t or shouldn’t take time off.  But we all get a certain amount of vacation days every year for a reason! Why are you saving yours??

My parents (my dad in particular) didn’t really put much emphasis on taking time off when we were growing up, and to this day still don’t “vacation” at all. I can recall hearing about them taking a cruise to the Caribbean when I was really young, and they took us to Disney World when I was about 8 or 9 years old, but otherwise I cannot think of a time when my parents took a trip for the sole purpose of being on vacation. They do travel often for family reunions and visiting their parents and grandchildren, but those are normally weekend trips and some are even just overnight! So when I tell my dad that I’m going to Barbados or South Africa or Greece for no reason at all other than to get away for a week or two, I get a reaction that, at least initially, feels like judgment. Those types of reactions from family, friends, and even a boss or co-worker can be just enough to deter us from doing the thing we actually need the most: rejuvenating ourselves.

But after talking about it with my sister and the other girls on this trip, I realized that it may actually be misunderstanding rather than judgment. My father is the type to never take time off from work, but he also truly loves what he does and would probably do it for free if he could.  And for him, relaxation is reading the newspaper, gardening or spending a weekend at his parents’ house watching the game with his dad. So in his mind he may not understand why I need to go to a completely different country for a week or two in order to truly relax.  But I do think that he is proud to have raised children who have those opportunities; children who are capable of discerning what makes them happiest and are strong enough to pursue those things despite what others may say or think. And I even believe that after seeing us explore the world, he is now more open to the idea as well…

So to answer the question, yes I would still go if I couldn’t take my camera with me – but I think that having my camera brings another level of impact that is sometimes lost in translation: lighting subtle fires of curiosity in others.

And for that reason, you’ll continue to see my trip all up on Instagram…

 

Can I?

Having a sibling close in age is a blessing – it’s like growing up with an automatic best friend. And when you have a twin it’s even more so the case!  From birth you literally do everything together and are subject to an almost identical adolescence that builds a deep understanding and unshakable bond with another person from an early age. And in a life where what we all desire the most is companionship, having that relationship from the very start lessens the magnitude of that yearning.

Trust me, I know. Twenty Eight years ago my sister was born thirty seven minutes after I was (which is long for twins but obviously close in the grand scheme of things), and we have been inseparable most of our lives.  We’ve always had separate identities, though, and are polar opposites in almost every respect of our personalities: she is the fun, creative type while I have always been the boring bookworm; she eats healthy (or at least tries to) while often the only vegetables in my diet are the lettuce and tomato on my cheeseburger.  However, despite our differences we’ve managed to maintain largely the same circle of friends and have similar interests – so growing up, everyone knew that when you saw one, the other wasn’t too far behind.

We never experienced any real sense of separation until college.  She stayed local and went to the university in our hometown while I traveled almost 1,000 miles to attend college in Atlanta. The one question we were constantly asked as high school graduation approached was “how do you feel about separating?” One of our classmates even wrote an article in the local newspaper about us! The fact that anyone (let alone everyone we encountered) would be curious about that decision and its potential impact on our relationship is a testament to how close we were. But honestly, I was never concerned. Although it was the early 2000s, there was such a thing as cellphones, and Skype made its appearance soon after we graduated so I knew I could still talk to her whenever I wanted. Living separately didn’t seem like a big deal at all – it actually made me excited!

I wanted to see who we’d become once no one knew us as “the twins”; how we’d do when we were forced to make friends and build real bonds with other people. Essentially, I was excited to see how we’d fare on our own out in the world – and if I do say so myself, I think we did pretty damn good. She maintained friendships from high school and grew really close to her freshman-year roommates, got a boyfriend and juggled a part-time job with school work and externships, while I also developed friendships with a group of girls right away and soon added sorority sisters to the mix, I built bonds with several professors and graduated with the highest GPA in my major.

Fast forwarding a bit, we were reunited in New York City a year after we graduated from college. But I don’t mean that to sound like we didn’t see each other for 5 years… We visited each other often during that time, though we were very much living and thriving in different cities.  Yet when she joined me in NYC it was like we had never parted. We obviously were older and more mature, but becoming roommates again was like sliding my feet into my favorite fuzzy slippers. It was home.

My other half was back, and we did everything together! I dragged her out drinking and partying with my law school friends and linesisters, and she made sure we visited funky new restaurants and gourmet meatball stands, went to farmers markets and tried spinning classes. But don’t get me wrong, like any other roommates we have our issues.  She hates how I let my dishes stack up in the sink for days and then go on cleaning sprees of the entire apartment (including moving her stuff from where she left it), and I can’t deal with how many different hair products she has brought into our tiny apartments over the years and how she never (ever) closes the medicine-cabinet or cupboard doors, but somehow the living arrangement has largely worked for us.

However, we’ve now been living together for over 5 years and unfortunately all I’ve been able to think about lately is having my own space. I guess it’s only “unfortunately” depending on how you look at it. We’re almost 30 years old and I’ve only lived alone for a total of 15 months of my entire life – and I don’t think my sister ever has.  Some would argue that THAT is what’s unfortunate. That you need time alone to grow as an individual, to push your own limits and relish in your own space.

Having a roommate, even though you may love her to the moon and back, causes you to have to compromise always.  You have to be mindful of leaving your stuff in common places, sharing the TV, and not accidentally eating her special spaghetti sauce (oops). You have to consider her feelings when you invite people over – after all, maybe she wanted to sit on the couch in her pajamas and twist her hair!  But at the same time, you are entitled to invite whoever you want because it’s your space, too.  So maybe she finds herself twisting her hair in her room…  Though they seem minor, these types of things can wear on you over time. And I feel like we all come to a point where we are just ready to have our own space – and we shouldn’t feel bad about it.  Yet for some reason, I can’t shake this feeling of guilt.

At this age I feel like there will be a sense of finality to separating; this time would probably be the last – are we ready for that? Does she feel the same way, or will she take it as rejection or abandonment? Is it the right time for us to branch out and away from each other? Are we missing out on personal growth by continuing to rely so heavily on one another?

I guess part of growing up is being honest about what you want and need in order to be your best self. And maybe part of being the “older” sister is sometimes bearing the responsibility of making the first move, pushing your siblings outside of their comfort zones – reassuring them that they can do it by first having the confidence that you, yourself, can.

But, can I?

Give and Take

Bundled on the couch under a cover,

As the sounds of a classic black film hover.

 

“I’m a giver,” he explains.

Comforting her with his good-guy ways.

And all she could think is, “I’m the taker.

This will never work; he’ll get fed up sooner or later.”

 

But haven’t I earned it, though?

The right to think of me and me alone?

 

For once, this late-twenty-something is doing things her way.

The rule book is gone, and she’s calling the plays.

She wants what she wants when she wants it,

With neither apology nor a care for consequences.

 

So what does that mean for mystery man?

All she can do is be honest and hope he’ll understand.

 

Understand that he found her half way down a path of discovery,

And she owes it to herself to finish the journey.

Right now the priority is finding her voice, her passion.

Sitting on Her Lenox Stoop is her idea of perfection.

 

She has to enjoy this period of being in the selfish club,

Especially since the blink of an eye is what they’ve all warned her of.

 

So she smiles, and takes…

And hopes that he’s guarded himself against any possible heartache.