I want to revisit a topic covered in one of my original HLS posts, “Glitter vs Gold.” A little over a year ago, I met my now-boyfriend and wrote Glitter as an outlet to think through the issue that was confronting me at the time: standards set by me (with some help from our friend, society) that were grounded in wants rather than needs. Fast forward to present day, the same issue continues to transform and plague us as we move through the different stages of our relationship.
And, as a side note, I think it’s so very important to talk about the struggles in life as well as the good things because social media has a way of creating perceptions of false euphoria… Our natural tendency is to post and share only the good things that happen in our lives, and as a result people don’t always see or understand the not-so-good things that we go through. To the world, our lives our perfect! A woman who posts cute pictures of her newborn might never signal to her followers that she is actually struggling for the first time with not living in the same city as her larger family; similarly, a man who posts amazing group brotherhood photos at his best friend’s wedding may not tell you that he’s sleeping on that same friend’s couch while he tries to figure out his job situation; and a couple that shares pictures of their new house may show no signs of the stress they are under to continue to make ends meet. So I never want people to read Glitter or see bae and I holding hands on IG and think, “they have it figured out,” because we definitely don’t. But what I want you to know is, that’s Ok!! We don’t need to have it all figured out, we just have to be willing to be honest and put in the work… Anyway, I’ll step off my soap box and get back to the regularly scheduled program.
I realized today that I don’t want an engagement ring. Not that I don’t want to get engaged, just that I don’t want the diamond. As many of you may know, the coveted “diamond engagement ring” is a concept that was actually created from a marketing campaign run by the DeBeers diamond company in the 1930’s and 1940’s. The strategic plan included not only traditional advertisements (where they coined the slogan “a diamond is forever”), but also a meticulously planned campaign to show diamond rings in romance films, highlight diamond purchases by celebrities in local newspapers, and even send lecturers to speak to high school students across the country! The entire effort was designed to make women believe that no courtship was adequate unless a diamond was involved and to indoctrinate men with the belief that romance requires a diamond ring, the bigger the better. And guess what? They succeeded. Before this campaign, diamonds were seen more as gems for aristocrats and the uber-wealthy, but this effort brought the diamond market to the living rooms of main street America — where 80 years later the impression remains.
And while this was a genius move for their bottom line, the effect has been not so great on the pockets of the everyday person. There’s even a rule of thumb that suggests a man should spend an entire month’s salary on a diamond ring – Oh, OK.
Understanding that personal debt is one of the top causes of stress for us millennials, I think that we are the perfect generation to start challenging this supposed “life requirement”. Why bend over backwards to reach outside our means for a material object that can be lost or stolen, will make rich people richer at our expense, and that may not even increase in value over time?? Personally, I would much rather my potential fiancé take that $3,000-$5,000 (which is just the average cost!) and surprise me with plane tickets to an awesome adventure that will give us memories for a lifetime. I’d even take a deposit slip for our “saving for a house fund”! Anything that is thoughtful, from a heartfelt place, and designed to enhance our connection with each other or our position in life would suffice in my opinion. In fact, unless he’s wealthy and sees it as “that little ‘ol thang”, proposing to me with an extravagant ring would actually have the opposite effect and make me question his judgment. Especially since what we often fail to realize is that once you get married, his debts are essentially yours and vice versa – so there’s no better way to start a marriage than by making better financial choices for ourselves.
Don’t get me wrong, until this point I have never questioned my own expectation of getting a diamond ring one day – and in full disclosure, it’s only coming up now because I understand the financial limitations of my significant other. But after thinking long and hard about it, I came to the conclusion that the point of the engagement ring is to symbolize commitment. It represents an unconditional love that yields the desire to spend an entire lifetime with another person. And if that’s really and truly what the purpose is, then there is no right or wrong way to make that commitment to someone. Simply put, as much as I would love to have a nice shiny rock on my finger, forcing someone (either explicitly or implicitly) to reach beyond their means to prove to me their willingness to make that commitment just does not sit well with me. So I have made the decision – for myself and where I am in life – to not require an engagement ring. In my opinion, that is unnecessary glitz that I would happily sacrifice for the right person…
Keep in mind, though, that this post is not intended to shade those women out there who do have or want an engagement ring (whether extravagant or not). As always, I just simply encourage you to think critically about why you want whatever it is and what you think you’re getting out of it. And I can only hope that if it’s simply the glitter, that you aren’t sacrificing the gold.