Glitter vs. Gold

I told him, “I’m not one to toot my own horn” but he cut me off and said, “Nah, toot that shit around me. Always.”

As I continue to think critically about my life, where I am and where I want to be, I’ve started a running list of things that I think I’m doing wrong so I can begin to take steps to correct any bad habits. One of those areas appears to be love and relationships – which I just couldn’t understand because, let’s face it, I am a catch!  I’m a beautiful, smart, funny and caring young black woman with a blossoming career in an amazing city.  And I don’t mean that in any arrogant or conceited way, it’s just how I honestly see myself – and how I would describe most of the single women I know.

So what’s wrong with us? For the most part, I think we are each our own biggest problem. I’ve realized that I’m single mostly because I get in my own way.  There’s a clip from the Steve Harvey Show floating around the internet that shows how two materialistic and arrogant sisters overlooked the potential of their blind dates, and while I don’t think I’m as disrespectful as those women were to their dates, I think the essence of the story still hits home for me.  For much of my adult life, I’ve only had eyes for the tall, handsome, late-twenties man with the house, the car, the career and the tailored suit (and although I might be a little extreme, if you’re honest with yourself you’ll probably see that you have some unrealistic requirements as well).  In my eyes, no one else was worth my time.  My Mr. Perfect was out there somewhere, I just had to go on as many “first dates” as possible and I’d finally bump into him…

So first dates is what I did. Over the past two years I’ve joined almost every online dating app, met guys on subways and at parties, and let my friends match me up with who they’d described as “just the guy you need”. But if that first date wasn’t flawless, if he didn’t manage to both make me laugh and think critically, if he wasn’t the flyest guy in the room, and if he didn’t floor me with his resume, then it was on to the next.

But then something crazy happened: I found someone who could be that guy (he had everything except for the car) – but shockingly he wasn’t into me.  At least, not the real me.  It turns out that all he really wanted was the me with a cute little body, a cute little face, and who would be willing to come back to his house for a little dessert (which, if you’re wondering, wasn’t happening).  Talk about throwing your whole world upside down!  How could my Mr. Perfect not be my Mr. Perfect after all?!

I started to question where all of the requirements in my application came from in the first place. Who ever said that a 27-year-old woman at the start of her career needs a man who is around the same age but managed to already have his ducks in a row?  Why is it important for me to be on the arm of a man who turns the head of every other girl in the room?  What am I getting out of him being tall and sexy if he isn’t remotely interested in my opinions and thought processes?  And when has it ever suited a woman like me to simply be someone’s dessert?  To answer my own questions: no one, it’s not, nothing and never.

So I decided to start fresh. No more superficial requirements, I told myself – just begin with “does he make you feel good?” From there, find out what kind of man he is, who he hangs out with, how he treats people when he has nothing to gain. If these are the types of characteristics and qualities that you try to embody personally, I said to myself, why not look for them in a partner? Attraction can grow over time, so don’t worry about that.  With respect to careers, as long as he is passionate about what he does there’s no need to worry about what stage he’s at right now because he’s sure to rise regardless – and black and brown men our age who have managed to stay out of jail, graduate college, and start a career are damn sure entitled to a judgment free zone for this period of their lives while they hustle to make this money.

With all that said, don’t think that I am even remotely advocating for lowering your standards or settling for something you don’t want. I’m simply at a point where I am asking myself to think critically about what I want versus what I need and to, in turn, seek out the qualities and characteristics that matter most to me.  You’ll have to decide if that’s what you’re into and what that would look like for you, just like I’m still figuring out what it means to me.

So far, though, I’ve come to the realization that he just has to make me feel like my best self – like it’s OK to toot my own horn – and I won’t be able to figure out if he does that by giving him one shot to prove himself against unrealistic, superficial standards. The application process of love will take time and it has to be an emotional endeavor; that’s the only way to develop any real connection and fulfillment.  And for me, I’m learning that having someone to uplift me is a great place to start – I have faith that the rest will work itself out.

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